Generation Soma?  Generation Medication?  Could one of these be the title for the current pill popping society?  I remember when I first went to my doctor and told him that I was having panic attacks and was depressed.  I think he spent at most 10 minutes with me – although realistically it was probably more along the lines of five minutes – wrote me a prescription and told me to come back and see him in a month to update him on how the medication was working.  Perhaps this is the norm in today’s society, but it seems to me a bit unsettling.  How many people out there are taking medication and not seeking counselling to supplement their drug therapy?  I am one of those people.  I take my medication and go about my business.  Who needs a shrink when the pills provide instant gratification?  So I must ask myself, does medication really attack the root of the problem or does it merely provide us with a false reality?  Taking my medication makes me pleasantly content with life.  Not taking my medication yields the opposite response.  But do I necessarily have some sort of chemical imbalance which requires medication for me to function normally in society?  I don’t know.  One thing that I do know is that there are consequences for everything we do.  Newton’s Third Law says:

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

So, maybe Newton didn’t mean it to apply to my situation, but still the relation is there.  There will be some consequence for a society of Prozac induced happiness.  Whether it be brain damage, liver damage, heart damage or something similar, there will surely be consequences.  Therefore, I suppose the question is: does the immediate gratification outweigh the future results?  Perhaps only time will tell…      

Sometimes I wonder if people truly fall in love with each other or if they just settle because they don’t want to be alone for the rest of their lives.  Some people jump from relationship to relationship and each time they say that they have met Mr/Mrs Right.  I cannot help but express a degree of scepticism (although not always aloud) when this occurs.  I do believe that it is possible to fall in love with someone.  Speaking from personal experience, I have been ‘in love’ a grand total of two times in my entire life.  One was a relationship that lasted for quite some time.  The other is a friendship that blossomed into stronger feelings that were unacceptable.  I do have morals and so does he, so nothing has ever come of it.  I suppose that I should mention that the second ‘Mr. Love’ is married.  I rarely talk to him and I suppose that is for the best.  But back to the topic of love…  I wonder if there is someone out there that is meant for only me (Mr. Fate)?  My instinct tells me that many times love is just a mistaken case of infatuation.  The infatuation fades over time and couples are presented with unhappiness, divorce, or perhaps just indifference.  I wonder how prearranged marriages fit into the scheme of things.  Certainly the majority, if not all, of prearranged marriages take place, at least initially, within a loveless state.  Am I being unfair to think this?  Perhaps the love develops over time?  Hmmm…I realise I am rambling.  If anyone wants to share their experiences or thoughts feel free!    

Hiya… This is a note for anyone who is just stopping by for a read.  I just wanted to write a small disclaimer saying that I really am not as emotionally psycho as I might sound in my writing.  I just decided that a blog might be a therapeutic attempt to identify and cope with some of my emotions.  So I hope I don’t offend anyone if I rant once in awhile.  I probably will use this place to express myself in ways that I cannot in my everyday life - which might be equivalent to ranting, raving and irrational thought.  You as a reader are more than welcome to share your thoughts with me!

Thanks for reading

~Soma x    

Sometimes I have panic attacks.  They are this hopeless, helpless feeling I get where I feel like I am dying.  It can seem like my heart is beating too fast or that I even cannot breathe.  My feelings of anxiety go all the way back to my childhood.  I can remember being about eight years old and not wanting to go to school.  I had this horrible fear of being separated from my parents, more specifically my mother.  I think it stems from my mother being seriously ill from the time I was about five years old.  I didn’t realise what was wrong then, but some of my earliest memories are of visiting my mother in the hospital or having friends and relatives take care of me while my Dad was at work and my Mum was sick in the hospital. 

When I was about eight years old I started saying that I was sick.  I wasn’t actually sick, but I did feel ill.  I used to get stomach aches and feel extremely anxious when I was away from my Mom.  I used to go to the school nurse and she would send me home sick.  Eventually she caught on that there was actually nothing physically wrong with me.  I went to see a child psychologist, but I have very vague memories of this period in my life.  I remember being reassured that my Mom would be fine and that I shouldn’t feel scared to be away from her.  She died a couple of years ago…I wonder if I can get a refund from the shrink?

It’s weird because no one knows about my panic attacks or depression.  I hide it fairly well.  The only person who knows that I feel this way is my father.  And I even put on somewhat of a front for him so that he doesn’t worry about me. 

The medication makes me feel truly better, but I wonder what the long term effects will be.  I think I am too young to be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life.  Or is that just how society works these days?  It seems like I hear of more and more people who are taking prescription pills for depression. I feel like I need them at the moment, but I’m not sure if it’s because I actually need them or because I’m psychologically or worse, physically, addicted to them. 

Is there anyone else out there willing to share their experiences with anxiety or depression?  Feel free to comment.

This is my attempt at therapy and self-discovery. 

Sometimes I feel as though I have no friends.  I know I do have friends, but still I feel so alone.  I tell myself that I don't feel alone, but I think it's just a form of self trickery.  I lead the perfect life under the guise of honour student/academic; a well rounded and overachieving student.  But I really feel that I am living a lie.  I am too afraid of disappointing those around me to express my true beliefs.  I am afraid of failure and criticism.  I have made a few enemies and it is because of my inability to keep a secret.  I feel bad about the gossip that I have spread and those that I have hurt, but alas the cycle still continues.  I do no know how to break away from my bouts of depression that suffocate and hinder my existence.  I am a fraud; an impostor.  I pop pills (prescribed medication) just to function normally in the world.  Without my serotonin enhancing meds, where would I be?